Let life make you better, not bitter

I think we can all agree that having (had) cancer and dealing with all its consequences, surgery and therapies, it’s quite challenging.

I love life, and I love to live it fully. I love to exercise, I love my yoga, I love my work, I love to cook, I love my friends, I love the weekend and  I especially love the night, may it be clubs or parties or dinners with many friends and many people, I love that moment when you find yourself talking to a perfect stranger about life and thoughts, or when your friends start to be extremely honest cause it’s 4AM and they don’t have the energy to pretend anymore (and you don’t have it yourself as well, so what started as a simple dinner ends out helping you more than a thousand-year of therapy… ), I also love myself and I know that right now I can enjoy many of these things just not as much as I used to, and, if I do, I have to deal with the consequences… so the past weeks I had been really good with food, eating fresh juices and steamed fish, but then this weekend I was out ’till late for a couple of days in a row and I had  too many drinks… and of course right now I feel terribly, I can not even climb stairs without getting out of breath …. so this is challenging to me. Either I stay in bed (basically only the days after chemo) or I just live 100%  until I am completely drained.

BUT what I find more challenging about the current situation is…….. trying not to kill the people around me.

Ok, well… maybe that was a little too dramatic but……. there are two different attitudes that really bothers me…. one it’s my fault as I am supposed to be a better person, and I strive to… but sometimes I just can’t. It’s difficult to me to deal with all those people who just complain about nothing, and at times I just wish I could shout: ” you are wining like a little baby over your broken nail, but hey… what if you had a real problem? what would you do?! ” and also I really don’t like the hypocrisy of those who ask me how do I feel but they just want to hear me saying I am ok, because they don’t actually want to deal with the reality that life is not all fairies and unicorns pooping rainbows…

Here a list of the most surprising things I heard about my cancer so far

1) While I still was in hospital after the mastectomy the mum of a friend told me that her daughter complained, because now that I had boobs she was the only one left without.

( also, there is nothing wrong if someone decide to have their breast augmented when having surgery to remove  cancer, but that wasn’t my case as I was worried only about having it removed completely – this is why I opted for a mastectomy instead of a lumpectomy- I just wanted my boobs to look normal )

2) “at least you had your boobs done”

3) A friend of mine asked me why I postponed my bachelor’s degree and when i told him that I had been in hospital because of breast cancer he looked at me and said ” well, but come on… you are not dying ! ”

4) Another one when I found out I had a recurrence – before I had all the body scans done told me: ” life is strange, today you are here and tomorrow… who knows!”

5) my favorites are all about the hair….  Many friends complained with me after they decided on their own to cut their hair shorter and some also found the gut to tell me that they, quote, can not recognize themselves anymore ….

I am actually happy with my shorter cut and happy that ,so far, it looks like that the cold cap it’s working, but when I am asked ( and I repeat: when I am ask, I never go around telling people how the cut made me feel, if I am  asked then I answer ) I usually answer that I am sorry that I don’t have my beautiful long red hair anymore, which is ok, it’s life, it’s not the end of the world and I never say it like it is, but anyway I am usually answered that “they will grow back”, and I know it’s true, it just drives me crazy that someone can tell me that “no problem, your hair will grow back, don’t wine about that” and after tell me that they feel bad about a cut they freely decided to have done !

…. So what I find difficult is to understand, to feel compassion, mutual understand, to not give in to anger and the instinct to just asks people to shut up. I want to be a good person and I try to be a better person… And I also honestly believe that experiences like this can make you better or can turn you into a hater… so…… let’s life make me better and not bitter, it is challenging but I hope I can do it…

keep-calm-and-namaste-33

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