Just kidding … chemo will be next monday because my white cell count was too low ….
It’s chemo time again !
Time passes extremly fast … Tomorrow it’s gonna be the third out of four red chemo … Then twelve weekly taxol, but that is supposed to give less nausea and side effects … I hope so !
Before the surgery I felt like the treatments and everything were endless, now I have realized that it’s only a few more months … This thought gave me a lot of strenght and helped me to go back to my normal life, which felt so, so good.
I showed to a friend a picture of me with ice on my head after using the cold cap and she told me I looked like Elsa from Frozen, that really made laugh ! It was also very appropriate ….
I often say that this experience ,the first surgery, the chemical menopause, the second surgery, the chemos, somehow liberated me -of course I wish it happened another way but … it is what it is!- now I feel like I can speak my mind freely and even though I still worry about hurting other people feelings, I worry more about my feelings, and I am much more able to express them … which makes me feel closer with my friends and family.
I will keep this attitude for the rest of my life but don’t get me wrong: I will never thank cancer and I think that “finding something good out of it” is somehow a strecht ( if the expression makes sense… ) and I don’t feel comfortable with this.
Anyway here I am quoting a disney movie … I think the song lyric’s it’s perfecf …
” it’s funny how some distance, can make everything seems small. And the fears that once controlled me can’t get me at all. it’s time to see what I can do, to test the limits and break through. No right, no wrong, no rules for me… I am free. Let it go, let it go
And I’ll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go.That perfect girl is gone!
Here I stand,In the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway!”
I am gonna be plain honest: I had a few rough days. I was a pain in the ass, to the whole world and to myself as well…I felt a lot of nausea and horrible pain in my stomach for a few days and I was also in a very bad mood cause I was missing all the fun of the new year celebrations, which is something most of the people hate but I actually adore… … I think my inner child loves new year eve the way the others inner children love christmas eve, sooo… let’s put it this way… It wasn’t me, I wasn’t bitchy, it was my very very disappointed inner child !
So… It’s late but I am gonna do it anyway
5 thing I loved of 2014
1) I graduated from university ( we say better late than never… )
2) I opened a yoga studio
3) I moved in with my boyfriend
4) I got three cats
5) I learned many asanas ( aka yoga postures )
5 things I hated of 2014
1) the first six months were difficult because I was still adjusting to living in menopause at my age which wasn’t really natural to me (BTW everyone was like: at least you are not having chemo, now I can say it: chemo is worse, but I still sincerely hate hot flashes with all my heart!)
2) when I started to feel normal again here it was… a recurrence… and from now on it’s an easy game
4) no yoga for 2 months after surgery
5) this is really easy: chemo
5 things I look forward to in 2015
(and this is what really matters, the five things I should repeat to myself every time I feel overwhelmed … )
1) I want our ( I opened it with a partner ) yoga studio to be super successful and to have tons of clients!
2) I want to start in september the class to become a yoga teacher myself !
3) I want to go to Greece, seat at a bar outside, during the sundown drinking a beer and eating saganaki (amazing fried cheese )
4) I want to go to the carnival of venice in a full typical gown
5) I would add a baby here… but there’s no way this is gonna happen any time soon, and adding a cat just would sound really silly… so… I write poems, and I hope at some point during the next year I will surprise myself sending one of my poems to a contest.
BTW The asana in the picture is a Bakasana, is not a complicated pose, but after the axillary dissection I wasn’t sure if I could have ever done it again (actually I did it like, 30 times in a row the day before the surgery, just in case…) and here I was today less than 3 months later doing it again ( not perfectly, but still… ) …. Often the things we love teach us something about life, I do love yoga, and yoga today taught me yet another time that I have to be faithful in myself and in the process as well….
We live in a world made of opposites.
From Parmenides, an ancient greek philosopher, who tried to divide the world into couples of opposite elements to the Taoists with their beautiful theory about the yin and the yang, going through many other theories that I surely ignore…
To describe myself I use to say that I am a walking oxymoron, so this theory applies to me as well…
Lately I have been thinking a lot about those contrasts in my own life, and in the reality that surrounds me… so here I go with a little list ( I absolutely love lists )
– I hated every single second in which a man (a complete stranger of course ) opened a little my chest to put a piece of metal in it. At the same time I am so very grateful for the chance to have a piece of metal inserted in my chest so I won’t have to go through huge pain again, while a nurse desperately searching for a decent vein in my arm or hand.
– I am so incredibly grateful for the chance to cure myself, and to have these thousand (that’s what they seems to me) cycles of chemo and to wake up in the morning thinking that in a year this will be history (then I start to think about future and bla bla, but that’s a whole different story!) . At the same time … it sucks. and there’s not really another way of putting this down.
– I honestly don’t care that I had to cut my hair short, and I really don’t care about scars, fake breasts, and bla bla bla… at the same time I miss my hair. I miss the delusion they gave me, that feeling of being young and healthy. the way I used to trust my own body.
– I live in a world where it is it what it is and it’s ok, but at the same time sometimes it is not ok at all
– I live in a world where I hear my boyfriend saying in his sleeps that we will fix everything and I will be fine, and my heart just broke a little, but at the same time … thanks god.
Last, and this is one of my sweetest (well… bittersweet, but still… ) memories…
Right after my mastectomy in june 2013 I was sitting in my parents’ garden during one of those super long days in which I was waiting for the results of the histological exam, and there was this incredible smell, all the flowers blossomed, and overall around me there was the smell of the magnolia, and I couldn’t help but think, and feel, how weird it was that I was living in a world where there was cancer, actually a world where I just had cancer, which is very, very different, but in the same world there was also room for the magnolia, and its incredible smell ….
This week was really intense, I felt good since Tuesday and had been a hurricane since then…
This was my main problem also last year when I started the tamoxifen… I felt so tired all the time but apparently I am not mature enough to accept my limits, I just keep doing a million things until I am completely knocked out ! I didn’t change much since then…
I stopped buying christmas presents a couple of years ago and instead I bake cookies for my friends, which is a little bit more stressing, but at the same time I enjoy the cooking part and is a nice gesture of love! So I spent my friday baking cookies and buying christmas decoration for the christmas party I hosted with my boyfriend at our place….
Since the chemo I started to eat only natural organic foods,almost no meat, mostly fruit, lots of fresh juices, veggies, soups and fish (I am a former vegetarian so I also like to eat that way ) I need to take care of myself in this moment, try to exercise and eat properly, maybe in this way I can go through the treatments with less side effects. … so now I feel guilty for having had too many drinks and for eating maaaaaaany unhealthy foods during these days but since my next chemo will be on the 29 I guess this week-end included my celebrations for the new year as well ! And by the way… I had so much fun …totally worth it !
Also… tomorrow I will have a small surgery for the port which is a little button put under skin near the clavicle and is used to access the vein for the chemo, I am not exactly thrilled to have another plastic piece put in my body but I also realize that it will really be useful, temporary and bla bla bla….
” Friends are therapists you can drink with “
Does having a cat seated on your stomach help with post-chemo nausea? actually not, but he’s not ready to accept it ! ( the hot pillow actually helps though … )
Anyway is almost Christmas time and I really don’t care about chemo or other stuff, we are organizing a party with our friends for next saturday and is gonna be amazing and fun ! ( Actually mostly I am seated on the couch making phone calls to have everything delivered at our place for fhe party ! )