Play it again Sam

First good night ( and almost day ) after chemo …

The evening had all the right ingredients : take away dinner on the sofa, plus blanket, plus cats, plus boyfriend, plus woody allen movie …

Question is

Does having a cat seated on your stomach help with post-chemo nausea? actually not, but he’s not ready to accept it ! ( the hot pillow actually helps though … )

Anyway is almost Christmas time and I really don’t care about chemo or other stuff, we are organizing a party with our friends for next saturday and is gonna be amazing and fun ! ( Actually mostly I am seated on the couch making phone calls to have everything delivered at our place for fhe party ! )

One Down

… Fifteen to go !

Sooooo what about my first chemo experience ??

I wasn’t completely lucky because I was suggested to insert a Picc ( peripherally inserted central cathether ) which is basically a little thing that goes up your arm into your main vein, they tried twice but my veins are appereantly really fragile and didn’t work out, Then it took four other tries to finally get a regular catheter on spot … which wasn’t exactly pleasent and took forever, buuuut on the bright side the nurses were really nice ( there was also a Girl born on my same day same month same year ) and the cold cap was absolutely tolerable, I have to say I didn’t even suffer too much from that, my body was hot, only my head extremly cold… but hey, I used to live in Moscow so I know a thing or two about cold !

I already feel a bad headache and nausea but
let’s see how it goes in the next days …

Anyway I am really relieved, one is gone, I started and “siccome siamo in ballo balliamo” which literaly translate to ” since we are already dancing let’s keep dancing ” but wordreference told me that it translates to ” in for a penny, in for a pound ” …

If I never go to sleep, could tomorrow never come ?

So tomorrow is my first chemo day, shit about to get real.

I feel a million things all at the same.

Part of me is definetly horrified and is planning on escape.
Part of me is OK cause this is so much like when your parents slapped you on your face as a kid: at first you hate them but in the long run you realize it was for your good.
Part of me is feeling really ironic cause I will be seated the whole day with an iced cap on my head and this is sad but also weird and somehow I still manage to find it funny.
Part of me is scared because I still don’t know if I want to do a port, a so called “pick” or a regular IV but none of this seem realy appealing to me… A tiny little portion of me feels curious like ” ok we have been talking about this chemotherapy for a while now, let’s go and se what we were talking about! ”

Whatever …

Here my prayers:

Please Universe, God, Ganesh, Nature, Whatever Energy is there outhere:

1) kill, destroy, defeat, kick the ass of every single tumoral cell that may be left in my body. I hate it and I am definetly willing to give it/them a one way ticket to fuck-you-land

2) help me keep a good attitude and continue doing many many things during these months

3) dont let this horrible moment ruin my relationship

3) let me keep my hair, or some of it and let me keep my eyelashes because I want to look cute ,as silly it might sound, but also because people are stupid and I am fed up with questions

OK, I am about to take a hot bath with a glass of red wine listening to some good music… find a second to cross your fingers … I’ll cross mine for you all …

When you set out for Ithaca
ask that your way be long,
full of adventure, full of instruction.
The Laistrygonians and the Cyclops,
angry Poseidon – do not fear them:
such as these you will never find
as long as your thought is lofty, if refined
emotion touches your spirit and your body.
The Laistrygonians and the Cyclops,
savage Poseidon you will not meet
unless you carry them in your soul,
unless your soul raises them up before you.

Ask that your way be long.
May there be many Summer mornings when,
with what gratitude, what joy –
you shall enter first-seen harbors;
may you stop at Phoenician trading centres,
and to buy good merchandise,
mother of pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
and sensuous perfumes of every kind,
sensuous perfumes as lavishly as you can;
to visit many Egyptian cities,
to gather stores of knowledge from the learned.

Have Ithaca always in your mind.
Your arrival there is what you are destined for.
But don’t in the least hurry the journey.
Better it last for years,
so that when you reach the island you are old,
rich with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting Ithaca to give you wealth.
Ithaca gave you a splendid journey.
Without her you would not have set out.
She hasn’t anything else to give you.

And if you find her poor, Ithaca hasn’t deceived you.
So wise you have become, of such experience,
that already you’ll have understood what these Ithacas mean.

Constantine Kavafis

Serendipity

This is exactly what I meant

Tragedies happen. What are you gonna do? Give up? Quit? No. I realize now that when your heart breaks, you gotta fight like hell to make sure you’re still alive because you are, and the pain you feel, that’s life. The confusion and fear, that’s there to remind you that somewhere out there’s something better and that something is worth fighting for.

One Tree Hill

I guess we’ll just start again

I feel like now that my hair are gone anything is possible.

I do not feel anymore the Holy Hand of God, warm and comforting over my shoulders.

I have been wondering for a few days now, What is the point ?

I mean what if I do all the months of chemos, radiotherapy,and years of  hormonal therapy and then in two, three, five, ten years it comes back and I am again where I am now? (probably worse) ? What is the point ?

I am an extremely optimist and positive person, I have an arrow tattoo on my right arm to symbolize how hardships are given to us only to prepare us for something better. I don’t know if I will ever go back to be that naive again in my life.

But we all have a pending sword on our heads, and I never really had the Holy Hand of God on my shoulders, I just assumed.

So, after a few days spent asking myself what is the point, it occurred to me that the point is me.

I used to be carried on by my beliefs in karma, in energy, in positivity, in “you are what you think” “you attract what you are” and all that stuff.

I can not rely on that philosophy to carry me through this right now, but I can rely on myself.

So I might not go through all the therapies thinking that good things will eventually happen to good people (because, shit… I already am a really good person!) but I can do it thinking about all the goals I still have to accomplish… therefore I am not doing this keeping smiling because the universe will eventually reward me.

Maybe my boyfriend is right, the universe sucks, the universe sometimes really messes it up.

But I can rely on myself. and that looks even better to me…

so now what ?

I guess we’ll just start again.

 

 
V

Keep calm and… The show must go on

” A woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life“

Might she want it or not, I would add.

Anyway, I will have my first chemo on Wednesday and I will try the cold-cap thing in order to save some of my hair. Still the nurse advised me to cut the hair short and to dye them of my own color so I can stop using products on it- there are a number of things you can not do while using the cold caps to help it be more effective. Anyway I have so many hair that should the cap allow me to keep half of it  I would still look pretty normal !

For all those (healthy people) who wonder…Of course my number one priority is to stay tumor-free -as I am now- for the rest of my life and never ever ever have this tumor to come back and metastasize. But unfortunately I cannot do anything about it, only do the treatments knowing that they are good for me, pray and try not to think about the possibility of it coming back in one,two,ten years… But I can do something about my hair and I will definitely do it

so here is how I was

And this is how I am now

“This is  how it works,

you are young until you are not 

you love until you don’t 

you try until you can’t

you laugh until you cry

you cry until you laugh 

and everyone must breathe until their dying breath

Regina Spektor  “

Home

So I am finally home. I went straight from the airport to the hospital …

First Chemo on third december ( 1.6 months after my first surgery ) second one the 24th of december.

There’s not much to say except this was my welcome-back home sign

V

There is no Place like Home

I am at the airport about to go back home, these days were nice… I had some very beautiful moments and very hard ones.

I had eggs in every possible style and shape

I shopped at the union square xmas market while sipping hot apple cider and all my friends are getting apple-shaped ornaments for their trees this year –

I had too many margarita and many beautiful talks with my friends

I got a beautiful tattoo

I couldn’t wait after Thanksgiving to go back home beacause I need to go to the doctor and have my armpit medicated after the surgery (actully they have to drain the fluids but no one need these details I guess 🙈 ) it’s a pity cause I think in hard moments it really helps to seat down and count your blessings, they might be few or not even closely balance out your hardships but there must be some, somewhere.

I feel blessed that I am going home actually. I used to travel so much when I was younger, I never missed my country, not even my home, I never missed my friends, I never missed anyone… I was such a different person back then.

Now I can’t wait to be home seated on the couch waiting for my boyfriend to arrive while sipping red wine, tv on, under a blanket, with my cats sleeping on my legs.

Maybe I’m getting old, maybe when you are broken you just want your home and all the people that love you around, but for sure I also didn’t have a lot to go back to at that time…

“she knew she loved him when home went from being a place to being a person”

Crazy Cells, Crazy Life

So I found myself walking in the streets of new york at 6.AM – in my PJs- trying desperately to call a doctor that e-mailed me asking to call at 12.00 PM ( which is exactly 6 AM in NY ) so I did it…

of course no one answered as he was very busy and I spoke with yet another unpolite secretary ( I am getting so mean with unpolite doctors, nurses and everyone involved in the tiring burocracy of hospitals …. I don’t need someone to hold my hand, but I definetely don’t need someone to scold me because I called the wrong number either ! )

anyway I ended up with a cup of coffe at central park…

Life really is a beautiful struggle …

PS. to anyone wondering what Love is I think that my boyfriend searching the whole internet ( after a full long day at work ) to understand what a cold cap is and how it works and how to get it, well… I think that might be an answer. I am so thankful and so deeply sorry at the same time !