In his shoes …

I spent my whole life considering everything from the other person perspective. I consider myself reasonably a generous person.

I wouldn’t say to someone that he hurt me, because I didn’t want the other person to be hurt from that.

But let’s be honest… right now, when someone tells me that it must be difficult for my parents, or for my friends, or my boyfriend… I am so sorry, but I so don’t give a shit.

I just can’t force myself into it, not only into feeling sorry for those who surround me, but I also can’t see that it must be difficult for them. Or I mean, I know at some level that it is difficult also for them it’s just…  I don’t give a shit.

I think it’s the first time that I am being like that. I just don’t want to put myself into my mother’s shoes, I don’t want to see if my experience it’s hurting her. because… I am ok, I am happy at times, I know I will go through this, I am having wonderful days and beautiful chitchats with my friends and I lots of “belly laughs” but … in nights like this, when my friends tell me that for my family “it must be difficult” I can not avoid to stop… and feel… empty. And feel how my life is stretched and broken, to feel how my life hurts right now.

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Let life make you better, not bitter

I think we can all agree that having (had) cancer and dealing with all its consequences, surgery and therapies, it’s quite challenging.

I love life, and I love to live it fully. I love to exercise, I love my yoga, I love my work, I love to cook, I love my friends, I love the weekend and  I especially love the night, may it be clubs or parties or dinners with many friends and many people, I love that moment when you find yourself talking to a perfect stranger about life and thoughts, or when your friends start to be extremely honest cause it’s 4AM and they don’t have the energy to pretend anymore (and you don’t have it yourself as well, so what started as a simple dinner ends out helping you more than a thousand-year of therapy… ), I also love myself and I know that right now I can enjoy many of these things just not as much as I used to, and, if I do, I have to deal with the consequences… so the past weeks I had been really good with food, eating fresh juices and steamed fish, but then this weekend I was out ’till late for a couple of days in a row and I had  too many drinks… and of course right now I feel terribly, I can not even climb stairs without getting out of breath …. so this is challenging to me. Either I stay in bed (basically only the days after chemo) or I just live 100%  until I am completely drained.

BUT what I find more challenging about the current situation is…….. trying not to kill the people around me.

Ok, well… maybe that was a little too dramatic but……. there are two different attitudes that really bothers me…. one it’s my fault as I am supposed to be a better person, and I strive to… but sometimes I just can’t. It’s difficult to me to deal with all those people who just complain about nothing, and at times I just wish I could shout: ” you are wining like a little baby over your broken nail, but hey… what if you had a real problem? what would you do?! ” and also I really don’t like the hypocrisy of those who ask me how do I feel but they just want to hear me saying I am ok, because they don’t actually want to deal with the reality that life is not all fairies and unicorns pooping rainbows…

Here a list of the most surprising things I heard about my cancer so far

1) While I still was in hospital after the mastectomy the mum of a friend told me that her daughter complained, because now that I had boobs she was the only one left without.

( also, there is nothing wrong if someone decide to have their breast augmented when having surgery to remove  cancer, but that wasn’t my case as I was worried only about having it removed completely – this is why I opted for a mastectomy instead of a lumpectomy- I just wanted my boobs to look normal )

2) “at least you had your boobs done”

3) A friend of mine asked me why I postponed my bachelor’s degree and when i told him that I had been in hospital because of breast cancer he looked at me and said ” well, but come on… you are not dying ! ”

4) Another one when I found out I had a recurrence – before I had all the body scans done told me: ” life is strange, today you are here and tomorrow… who knows!”

5) my favorites are all about the hair….  Many friends complained with me after they decided on their own to cut their hair shorter and some also found the gut to tell me that they, quote, can not recognize themselves anymore ….

I am actually happy with my shorter cut and happy that ,so far, it looks like that the cold cap it’s working, but when I am asked ( and I repeat: when I am ask, I never go around telling people how the cut made me feel, if I am  asked then I answer ) I usually answer that I am sorry that I don’t have my beautiful long red hair anymore, which is ok, it’s life, it’s not the end of the world and I never say it like it is, but anyway I am usually answered that “they will grow back”, and I know it’s true, it just drives me crazy that someone can tell me that “no problem, your hair will grow back, don’t wine about that” and after tell me that they feel bad about a cut they freely decided to have done !

…. So what I find difficult is to understand, to feel compassion, mutual understand, to not give in to anger and the instinct to just asks people to shut up. I want to be a good person and I try to be a better person… And I also honestly believe that experiences like this can make you better or can turn you into a hater… so…… let’s life make me better and not bitter, it is challenging but I hope I can do it…

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Post Scriptum :

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May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground

So here we are …. the night before number two.

I went away for the weekend. It was wired, Well overall it was beautiful and fun as a vacation is supposed to be, but it was so hard for me to stay in the mood, I was happy and sad and angry and I wanted to cry, to laugh, to dance, to walk and then again I wanted to eat and read and run and just look at the sun.

But I like to think
I can cheat it all
To make up for the times, I’ve been cheated on
And it’s nice to know
When I was left for dead
I was found and now I don’t roam these streets
I am not the ghost you want of me
If you’re lost and alone or you’re sinking like a stone,
Carry on
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground and
Carry on

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So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.

We live in a world made of opposites.

From Parmenides, an ancient greek philosopher, who tried to divide the world into couples of opposite elements to the Taoists with their beautiful theory about the yin and the yang, going through many other theories that I surely ignore…

To describe myself I use to say that I am a walking oxymoron, so this theory applies to me as well…

Lately I have been thinking a lot about those contrasts in my own life, and in the reality that surrounds me… so here I go with a little list ( I absolutely love lists )

I hated every single second in which a man (a complete stranger of course ) opened a little my chest to put a piece of metal in it. At the same time I am so very grateful for the chance to have a piece of metal inserted in my chest so I won’t have to go through huge pain again, while a nurse desperately searching for a decent vein in my arm or hand.

– I am so incredibly grateful for the chance to cure myself, and to have these thousand (that’s what they seems to me) cycles of chemo and to wake up in the morning thinking that in a year this will be history (then I start to think about future and bla bla, but that’s a whole different story!) . At the same time … it sucks. and there’s not really another way of putting this down.

I honestly don’t care that I had to cut my hair short, and I really don’t care about scars, fake breasts, and bla bla bla… at the same time I miss my hair. I miss the delusion they gave me, that feeling of being young and healthy. the way I used to trust my own body.

– I live in a world where it is it what it is and it’s ok, but at the same time sometimes it is not ok at all

– I live in a world where I hear my boyfriend saying in his sleeps that we will fix everything and I will be fine, and my heart just broke a little, but at the same time … thanks god.

Last, and this is one of my sweetest (well… bittersweet, but still… ) memories…

Right after my mastectomy in june 2013 I was sitting in my parents’ garden during one of those super long days in which I was waiting for the results of the histological exam, and there was this incredible smell, all the flowers blossomed, and overall around me there was the smell of the magnolia, and I couldn’t help but think, and feel, how weird it was that I was living in a world where there was cancer, actually a world where I just had cancer, which is very, very different, but in the same world there was also room for the magnolia, and its incredible smell ….

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One Down

… Fifteen to go !

Sooooo what about my first chemo experience ??

I wasn’t completely lucky because I was suggested to insert a Picc ( peripherally inserted central cathether ) which is basically a little thing that goes up your arm into your main vein, they tried twice but my veins are appereantly really fragile and didn’t work out, Then it took four other tries to finally get a regular catheter on spot … which wasn’t exactly pleasent and took forever, buuuut on the bright side the nurses were really nice ( there was also a Girl born on my same day same month same year ) and the cold cap was absolutely tolerable, I have to say I didn’t even suffer too much from that, my body was hot, only my head extremly cold… but hey, I used to live in Moscow so I know a thing or two about cold !

I already feel a bad headache and nausea but
let’s see how it goes in the next days …

Anyway I am really relieved, one is gone, I started and “siccome siamo in ballo balliamo” which literaly translate to ” since we are already dancing let’s keep dancing ” but wordreference told me that it translates to ” in for a penny, in for a pound ” …

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Serendipity

This is exactly what I meant

Tragedies happen. What are you gonna do? Give up? Quit? No. I realize now that when your heart breaks, you gotta fight like hell to make sure you’re still alive because you are, and the pain you feel, that’s life. The confusion and fear, that’s there to remind you that somewhere out there’s something better and that something is worth fighting for.

One Tree Hill

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I guess we’ll just start again

I feel like now that my hair are gone anything is possible.

I do not feel anymore the Holy Hand of God, warm and comforting over my shoulders.

I have been wondering for a few days now, What is the point ?

I mean what if I do all the months of chemos, radiotherapy,and years of  hormonal therapy and then in two, three, five, ten years it comes back and I am again where I am now? (probably worse) ? What is the point ?

I am an extremely optimist and positive person, I have an arrow tattoo on my right arm to symbolize how hardships are given to us only to prepare us for something better. I don’t know if I will ever go back to be that naive again in my life.

But we all have a pending sword on our heads, and I never really had the Holy Hand of God on my shoulders, I just assumed.

So, after a few days spent asking myself what is the point, it occurred to me that the point is me.

I used to be carried on by my beliefs in karma, in energy, in positivity, in “you are what you think” “you attract what you are” and all that stuff.

I can not rely on that philosophy to carry me through this right now, but I can rely on myself.

So I might not go through all the therapies thinking that good things will eventually happen to good people (because, shit… I already am a really good person!) but I can do it thinking about all the goals I still have to accomplish… therefore I am not doing this keeping smiling because the universe will eventually reward me.

Maybe my boyfriend is right, the universe sucks, the universe sometimes really messes it up.

But I can rely on myself. and that looks even better to me…

so now what ?

I guess we’ll just start again.

 

 
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