Just kidding … chemo will be next monday because my white cell count was too low ….
I am gonna be plain honest: I had a few rough days. I was a pain in the ass, to the whole world and to myself as well…I felt a lot of nausea and horrible pain in my stomach for a few days and I was also in a very bad mood cause I was missing all the fun of the new year celebrations, which is something most of the people hate but I actually adore… … I think my inner child loves new year eve the way the others inner children love christmas eve, sooo… let’s put it this way… It wasn’t me, I wasn’t bitchy, it was my very very disappointed inner child !
So… It’s late but I am gonna do it anyway
5 thing I loved of 2014
1) I graduated from university ( we say better late than never… )
2) I opened a yoga studio
3) I moved in with my boyfriend
4) I got three cats
5) I learned many asanas ( aka yoga postures )
5 things I hated of 2014
1) the first six months were difficult because I was still adjusting to living in menopause at my age which wasn’t really natural to me (BTW everyone was like: at least you are not having chemo, now I can say it: chemo is worse, but I still sincerely hate hot flashes with all my heart!)
2) when I started to feel normal again here it was… a recurrence… and from now on it’s an easy game
4) no yoga for 2 months after surgery
5) this is really easy: chemo
5 things I look forward to in 2015
(and this is what really matters, the five things I should repeat to myself every time I feel overwhelmed … )
1) I want our ( I opened it with a partner ) yoga studio to be super successful and to have tons of clients!
2) I want to start in september the class to become a yoga teacher myself !
3) I want to go to Greece, seat at a bar outside, during the sundown drinking a beer and eating saganaki (amazing fried cheese )
4) I want to go to the carnival of venice in a full typical gown
5) I would add a baby here… but there’s no way this is gonna happen any time soon, and adding a cat just would sound really silly… so… I write poems, and I hope at some point during the next year I will surprise myself sending one of my poems to a contest.
BTW The asana in the picture is a Bakasana, is not a complicated pose, but after the axillary dissection I wasn’t sure if I could have ever done it again (actually I did it like, 30 times in a row the day before the surgery, just in case…) and here I was today less than 3 months later doing it again ( not perfectly, but still… ) …. Often the things we love teach us something about life, I do love yoga, and yoga today taught me yet another time that I have to be faithful in myself and in the process as well….
We live in a world made of opposites.
From Parmenides, an ancient greek philosopher, who tried to divide the world into couples of opposite elements to the Taoists with their beautiful theory about the yin and the yang, going through many other theories that I surely ignore…
To describe myself I use to say that I am a walking oxymoron, so this theory applies to me as well…
Lately I have been thinking a lot about those contrasts in my own life, and in the reality that surrounds me… so here I go with a little list ( I absolutely love lists )
– I hated every single second in which a man (a complete stranger of course ) opened a little my chest to put a piece of metal in it. At the same time I am so very grateful for the chance to have a piece of metal inserted in my chest so I won’t have to go through huge pain again, while a nurse desperately searching for a decent vein in my arm or hand.
– I am so incredibly grateful for the chance to cure myself, and to have these thousand (that’s what they seems to me) cycles of chemo and to wake up in the morning thinking that in a year this will be history (then I start to think about future and bla bla, but that’s a whole different story!) . At the same time … it sucks. and there’s not really another way of putting this down.
– I honestly don’t care that I had to cut my hair short, and I really don’t care about scars, fake breasts, and bla bla bla… at the same time I miss my hair. I miss the delusion they gave me, that feeling of being young and healthy. the way I used to trust my own body.
– I live in a world where it is it what it is and it’s ok, but at the same time sometimes it is not ok at all
– I live in a world where I hear my boyfriend saying in his sleeps that we will fix everything and I will be fine, and my heart just broke a little, but at the same time … thanks god.
Last, and this is one of my sweetest (well… bittersweet, but still… ) memories…
Right after my mastectomy in june 2013 I was sitting in my parents’ garden during one of those super long days in which I was waiting for the results of the histological exam, and there was this incredible smell, all the flowers blossomed, and overall around me there was the smell of the magnolia, and I couldn’t help but think, and feel, how weird it was that I was living in a world where there was cancer, actually a world where I just had cancer, which is very, very different, but in the same world there was also room for the magnolia, and its incredible smell ….
Does having a cat seated on your stomach help with post-chemo nausea? actually not, but he’s not ready to accept it ! ( the hot pillow actually helps though … )
Anyway is almost Christmas time and I really don’t care about chemo or other stuff, we are organizing a party with our friends for next saturday and is gonna be amazing and fun ! ( Actually mostly I am seated on the couch making phone calls to have everything delivered at our place for fhe party ! )
So tomorrow is my first chemo day, shit about to get real.
I feel a million things all at the same.
Part of me is definetly horrified and is planning on escape.
Part of me is OK cause this is so much like when your parents slapped you on your face as a kid: at first you hate them but in the long run you realize it was for your good.
Part of me is feeling really ironic cause I will be seated the whole day with an iced cap on my head and this is sad but also weird and somehow I still manage to find it funny.
Part of me is scared because I still don’t know if I want to do a port, a so called “pick” or a regular IV but none of this seem realy appealing to me… A tiny little portion of me feels curious like ” ok we have been talking about this chemotherapy for a while now, let’s go and se what we were talking about! ”
Here my prayers:
Please Universe, God, Ganesh, Nature, Whatever Energy is there outhere:
1) kill, destroy, defeat, kick the ass of every single tumoral cell that may be left in my body. I hate it and I am definetly willing to give it/them a one way ticket to fuck-you-land
2) help me keep a good attitude and continue doing many many things during these months
3) dont let this horrible moment ruin my relationship
3) let me keep my hair, or some of it and let me keep my eyelashes because I want to look cute ,as silly it might sound, but also because people are stupid and I am fed up with questions
OK, I am about to take a hot bath with a glass of red wine listening to some good music… find a second to cross your fingers … I’ll cross mine for you all …
When you set out for Ithaca
ask that your way be long,
full of adventure, full of instruction.
The Laistrygonians and the Cyclops,
angry Poseidon – do not fear them:
such as these you will never find
as long as your thought is lofty, if refined
emotion touches your spirit and your body.
The Laistrygonians and the Cyclops,
savage Poseidon you will not meet
unless you carry them in your soul,
unless your soul raises them up before you.
Ask that your way be long.
May there be many Summer mornings when,
with what gratitude, what joy –
you shall enter first-seen harbors;
may you stop at Phoenician trading centres,
and to buy good merchandise,
mother of pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
and sensuous perfumes of every kind,
sensuous perfumes as lavishly as you can;
to visit many Egyptian cities,
to gather stores of knowledge from the learned.
Have Ithaca always in your mind.
Your arrival there is what you are destined for.
But don’t in the least hurry the journey.
Better it last for years,
so that when you reach the island you are old,
rich with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting Ithaca to give you wealth.
Ithaca gave you a splendid journey.
Without her you would not have set out.
She hasn’t anything else to give you.
And if you find her poor, Ithaca hasn’t deceived you.
So wise you have become, of such experience,
that already you’ll have understood what these Ithacas mean.