If you are going through hell, keep going !

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It’s chemo time again !

Time passes extremly fast … Tomorrow it’s gonna be the third out of four red chemo … Then twelve weekly taxol, but that is supposed to give less nausea and side effects … I hope so !

Before the surgery I felt like the treatments and everything were endless, now I have realized that it’s only a few more months … This thought gave me a lot of strenght and helped me to go back to my normal life, which felt so, so good.

I showed to a friend a picture of me with ice on my head after using the cold cap and she told me I looked like Elsa from Frozen, that really made laugh ! It was also very appropriate ….

I often say that this experience ,the first surgery, the chemical menopause, the second surgery, the chemos, somehow liberated me -of course I wish it happened another way but … it is what it is!- now I feel like I can speak my mind freely and even though I still worry about hurting other people feelings, I worry more about my feelings, and I am much more able to express them … which makes me feel closer with my friends and family.
I will keep this attitude for the rest of my life but don’t get me wrong: I will never thank cancer and I think that “finding something good out of it” is somehow a strecht ( if the expression makes sense… ) and I don’t feel comfortable with this.

Anyway here I am quoting a disney movie … I think the song lyric’s it’s perfecf …

it’s funny how some distance, can make everything seems small. And the fears that once controlled me can’t get me at all. it’s time to see what I can do, to test the limits and break through. No right, no wrong, no rules for me… I am free. Let it go, let it go
And I’ll rise like the break of dawn
Let it go, let it go.That perfect girl is gone!
Here I stand,In the light of day
Let the storm rage on,
The cold never bothered me anyway!”

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Back on Track

I am gonna be plain honest: I had a few rough days. I was a pain in the ass, to the whole world and to myself as well…I felt a lot of nausea and horrible pain in my stomach for a few days and I was also in a very bad mood cause I was missing all the fun of the new year celebrations, which is something most of the people hate but I actually adore… … I think my inner child loves new year eve the way the others inner children love christmas eve, sooo… let’s put it this way… It wasn’t me, I wasn’t bitchy, it was my very very disappointed inner child !

So… It’s late but I am gonna do it anyway

5 thing I loved of 2014

1) I graduated from university ( we say better late than never… )

2) I opened a yoga studio

3) I moved in with my boyfriend

4) I got three cats

5) I learned many asanas ( aka yoga postures )

5 things I hated of 2014

1) the first six months were difficult because I was still adjusting to living in menopause at my age which wasn’t really natural to me (BTW everyone was like: at least you are not having chemo, now I can say it: chemo is worse, but I still sincerely hate hot flashes with all my heart!)

2) when I started to feel normal again here it was… a recurrence… and from now on it’s an easy game

3) surgery

4) no yoga for 2 months after surgery

5) this is really easy: chemo

5 things I look forward to in 2015

(and this is what really matters, the five things I should repeat to myself every time I feel overwhelmed … )

1) I want our ( I opened it with a partner ) yoga studio to be super successful and to have tons of clients!

2) I want to start in september the class to become a yoga teacher myself !

3) I want to go to Greece, seat at a bar outside, during the sundown drinking a beer and eating saganaki (amazing fried cheese )

4) I want to go to the carnival of venice in a full typical gown

5) I would add a baby here… but there’s no way this is gonna happen any time soon, and adding a cat just would sound really silly… so… I write poems, and I hope at some point during the next year I will surprise myself sending one of my poems to a contest.

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BTW The asana in the picture is a Bakasana, is not a complicated pose, but after the axillary dissection I wasn’t sure if I could have ever done it again (actually I did it like, 30 times in a row the day before the surgery, just in case…) and here I was today less than 3 months later doing it again ( not perfectly, but still… ) …. Often the things we love teach us something about life, I do love yoga, and yoga today taught me yet another time that I have to be faithful in myself and in the process as well….

So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.

We live in a world made of opposites.

From Parmenides, an ancient greek philosopher, who tried to divide the world into couples of opposite elements to the Taoists with their beautiful theory about the yin and the yang, going through many other theories that I surely ignore…

To describe myself I use to say that I am a walking oxymoron, so this theory applies to me as well…

Lately I have been thinking a lot about those contrasts in my own life, and in the reality that surrounds me… so here I go with a little list ( I absolutely love lists )

I hated every single second in which a man (a complete stranger of course ) opened a little my chest to put a piece of metal in it. At the same time I am so very grateful for the chance to have a piece of metal inserted in my chest so I won’t have to go through huge pain again, while a nurse desperately searching for a decent vein in my arm or hand.

– I am so incredibly grateful for the chance to cure myself, and to have these thousand (that’s what they seems to me) cycles of chemo and to wake up in the morning thinking that in a year this will be history (then I start to think about future and bla bla, but that’s a whole different story!) . At the same time … it sucks. and there’s not really another way of putting this down.

I honestly don’t care that I had to cut my hair short, and I really don’t care about scars, fake breasts, and bla bla bla… at the same time I miss my hair. I miss the delusion they gave me, that feeling of being young and healthy. the way I used to trust my own body.

– I live in a world where it is it what it is and it’s ok, but at the same time sometimes it is not ok at all

– I live in a world where I hear my boyfriend saying in his sleeps that we will fix everything and I will be fine, and my heart just broke a little, but at the same time … thanks god.

Last, and this is one of my sweetest (well… bittersweet, but still… ) memories…

Right after my mastectomy in june 2013 I was sitting in my parents’ garden during one of those super long days in which I was waiting for the results of the histological exam, and there was this incredible smell, all the flowers blossomed, and overall around me there was the smell of the magnolia, and I couldn’t help but think, and feel, how weird it was that I was living in a world where there was cancer, actually a world where I just had cancer, which is very, very different, but in the same world there was also room for the magnolia, and its incredible smell ….

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Champagne Supernova

This week was really intense, I felt good since Tuesday and had been a hurricane since then…

This was my main problem also last year when I started the tamoxifen… I felt so tired all the time but apparently I am not mature enough to accept my limits, I just keep doing a million things until I am completely knocked out ! I didn’t change much since then… 

I stopped buying christmas presents a couple of years ago and instead I bake cookies for my friends, which is a little bit more stressing, but at the same time I enjoy the cooking part and is a nice gesture of love! So I spent my friday baking cookies and buying christmas decoration for the christmas party I hosted with my boyfriend at our place….

Since the chemo I started to eat only natural organic foods,almost no meat, mostly fruit, lots of fresh juices, veggies, soups  and fish (I am a former vegetarian so I also like to eat that way ) I need to take care of myself in this moment, try to exercise and eat properly, maybe in this way  I can go through the treatments with less side effects. …  so now I feel  guilty for having had too many drinks and for eating maaaaaaany unhealthy foods during these days  but since my next chemo will be on the 29 I guess this week-end included my celebrations for the new year as well ! And by the way… I had so much fun …totally worth it ! 

Also… tomorrow I will have a small surgery for the port which is a little button put under skin near the clavicle and is used to access the vein for the chemo, I am not exactly thrilled to have another plastic piece put in my body but I also realize that it will really be useful, temporary and bla bla bla….

” Friends are therapists you can drink with “

 

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Home

So I am finally home. I went straight from the airport to the hospital …

First Chemo on third december ( 1.6 months after my first surgery ) second one the 24th of december.

There’s not much to say except this was my welcome-back home sign

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There is no Place like Home

I am at the airport about to go back home, these days were nice… I had some very beautiful moments and very hard ones.

I had eggs in every possible style and shape

I shopped at the union square xmas market while sipping hot apple cider and all my friends are getting apple-shaped ornaments for their trees this year –

I had too many margarita and many beautiful talks with my friends

I got a beautiful tattoo

I couldn’t wait after Thanksgiving to go back home beacause I need to go to the doctor and have my armpit medicated after the surgery (actully they have to drain the fluids but no one need these details I guess 🙈 ) it’s a pity cause I think in hard moments it really helps to seat down and count your blessings, they might be few or not even closely balance out your hardships but there must be some, somewhere.

I feel blessed that I am going home actually. I used to travel so much when I was younger, I never missed my country, not even my home, I never missed my friends, I never missed anyone… I was such a different person back then.

Now I can’t wait to be home seated on the couch waiting for my boyfriend to arrive while sipping red wine, tv on, under a blanket, with my cats sleeping on my legs.

Maybe I’m getting old, maybe when you are broken you just want your home and all the people that love you around, but for sure I also didn’t have a lot to go back to at that time…

“she knew she loved him when home went from being a place to being a person”

New York day two and three: the emotional roller-coaster

Yesterday was actually a very good day.

I woke up and went to the east village for a glorious brunch ( ok I will stop saying how much I love breakfasts and brunch… but hey, Italy is a great country but all we get in the morning is an espresso and a small croissant!) after brunch I shopped for hats in a very cute store I knew nearby, with a lot of different styles, vintage pieces, all made by this local designer… it took me a lot of courage to actually tell her that I needed a few hats because I will soon need to cover my head. I am happy I made it because  she didn’t say anything about it the whole time,but when I asked her: ” can you picture me with this hat, red lipstick and high heels?” she simply replied ” yes! sexy “and she really centered the point:  will I feel that way again anytime soon ?

In the afternoon I went near union square for a tattoo.

When I was twenty-five I lived in new york for a little over then a year. In that period I basically turned into a different person. I became a yoga addicted and along with that a much more positive person, nicer to myself and towards the others.  For that reason when came the moment to go back to my country I decided to get a tattoo, to celebrate that moment of my life and also as a promise to keep being positive even in tough circumstances (it was a good idea after all… ) So I went for a sign of joy and love for life: the hummingbird.  Since It was my first tattoo I asked for something really small… long story short: yesterday I had it covered up with another hummingbird, just more beautiful!                                                                                        I love it! I took some pain killers before and it didn’t hurt much – well, maybe it’s because after the two surgeries my tolerance for pain really changed but at the same time I am now more soft and I took the painkillers: no one will ever convince me to endure pain anymore if is not absolutely necessary !

In the evening I planned  to meet up with a friend for a drink and then go right back home because the next day ,today, I had to wake up early to go to Boston (where I currently am, cause I managed to have an appointment tomorrow morning with a super doctor in order to have a second opinion on therapies and follows ups, just in case!) …like it often happens I ended up coming back at 3,30 AM pretty much wasted. I really had a blast ! I completely forgot about cancer, and therapies, and my hair and whatever… I just felt like the old me, not even the girl I was two months ago ( when I didn’t imagine that a recurrence was just around the corner) but the really really old me, 25 with a very light heart a really few thoughts on mind ( my only thoughts back then were for a new yorker that broke my heart, and a internship that I didn’t find right for me- but since I was heart-broken I didn’t even care I used to say that I was in such a pain but that “love pain” is the only pain you want to try in your life – I was right! and I now know that those are the right concerns for that age!) … but the thing is I woke up today  and of course I was totally hangover ( I am young, but I am not a baby anymore!!) and the first thought I had  was that probably the next time I am gonna feel this bad is gonna be because of chemo… I didn’t really have a good today. I guess the higher you climb the harder you fall… I did forget everything for a while but of course everything is still there. and I am still waiting to know when to begin the treatments. so I am in this huge bubble made of fluffies french toasts and pomegranate margaritas and I am just waiting for an e-mail to crush it all. I am trying to enjoy all of this as much as I can though, because we have to save good energies for difficult times….

Cherry on top my parents are both here with me and today my father rented a car and drove all the way to Boston- with me completely hangovered on the back seat listening to music at super high volume with my head-phones on  and mostly sleeping, I really felt like I was a teenager again 😀 !

Buonanotte !

If you are depressed you are living in the past
If you are anxious you are living in the future
if you are at peace you are living in the present