We live in a world made of opposites.
From Parmenides, an ancient greek philosopher, who tried to divide the world into couples of opposite elements to the Taoists with their beautiful theory about the yin and the yang, going through many other theories that I surely ignore…
To describe myself I use to say that I am a walking oxymoron, so this theory applies to me as well…
Lately I have been thinking a lot about those contrasts in my own life, and in the reality that surrounds me… so here I go with a little list ( I absolutely love lists )
– I hated every single second in which a man (a complete stranger of course ) opened a little my chest to put a piece of metal in it. At the same time I am so very grateful for the chance to have a piece of metal inserted in my chest so I won’t have to go through huge pain again, while a nurse desperately searching for a decent vein in my arm or hand.
– I am so incredibly grateful for the chance to cure myself, and to have these thousand (that’s what they seems to me) cycles of chemo and to wake up in the morning thinking that in a year this will be history (then I start to think about future and bla bla, but that’s a whole different story!) . At the same time … it sucks. and there’s not really another way of putting this down.
– I honestly don’t care that I had to cut my hair short, and I really don’t care about scars, fake breasts, and bla bla bla… at the same time I miss my hair. I miss the delusion they gave me, that feeling of being young and healthy. the way I used to trust my own body.
– I live in a world where it is it what it is and it’s ok, but at the same time sometimes it is not ok at all
– I live in a world where I hear my boyfriend saying in his sleeps that we will fix everything and I will be fine, and my heart just broke a little, but at the same time … thanks god.
Last, and this is one of my sweetest (well… bittersweet, but still… ) memories…
Right after my mastectomy in june 2013 I was sitting in my parents’ garden during one of those super long days in which I was waiting for the results of the histological exam, and there was this incredible smell, all the flowers blossomed, and overall around me there was the smell of the magnolia, and I couldn’t help but think, and feel, how weird it was that I was living in a world where there was cancer, actually a world where I just had cancer, which is very, very different, but in the same world there was also room for the magnolia, and its incredible smell ….