If I never go to sleep, could tomorrow never come ?

So tomorrow is my first chemo day, shit about to get real.

I feel a million things all at the same.

Part of me is definetly horrified and is planning on escape.
Part of me is OK cause this is so much like when your parents slapped you on your face as a kid: at first you hate them but in the long run you realize it was for your good.
Part of me is feeling really ironic cause I will be seated the whole day with an iced cap on my head and this is sad but also weird and somehow I still manage to find it funny.
Part of me is scared because I still don’t know if I want to do a port, a so called “pick” or a regular IV but none of this seem realy appealing to me… A tiny little portion of me feels curious like ” ok we have been talking about this chemotherapy for a while now, let’s go and se what we were talking about! ”

Whatever …

Here my prayers:

Please Universe, God, Ganesh, Nature, Whatever Energy is there outhere:

1) kill, destroy, defeat, kick the ass of every single tumoral cell that may be left in my body. I hate it and I am definetly willing to give it/them a one way ticket to fuck-you-land

2) help me keep a good attitude and continue doing many many things during these months

3) dont let this horrible moment ruin my relationship

3) let me keep my hair, or some of it and let me keep my eyelashes because I want to look cute ,as silly it might sound, but also because people are stupid and I am fed up with questions

OK, I am about to take a hot bath with a glass of red wine listening to some good music… find a second to cross your fingers … I’ll cross mine for you all …

When you set out for Ithaca
ask that your way be long,
full of adventure, full of instruction.
The Laistrygonians and the Cyclops,
angry Poseidon – do not fear them:
such as these you will never find
as long as your thought is lofty, if refined
emotion touches your spirit and your body.
The Laistrygonians and the Cyclops,
savage Poseidon you will not meet
unless you carry them in your soul,
unless your soul raises them up before you.

Ask that your way be long.
May there be many Summer mornings when,
with what gratitude, what joy –
you shall enter first-seen harbors;
may you stop at Phoenician trading centres,
and to buy good merchandise,
mother of pearl and coral, amber and ebony,
and sensuous perfumes of every kind,
sensuous perfumes as lavishly as you can;
to visit many Egyptian cities,
to gather stores of knowledge from the learned.

Have Ithaca always in your mind.
Your arrival there is what you are destined for.

But don’t in the least hurry the journey.
Better it last for years,
so that when you reach the island you are old,
rich with all you have gained on the way,
not expecting Ithaca to give you wealth.
Ithaca gave you a splendid journey.
Without her you would not have set out.
She hasn’t anything else to give you.

And if you find her poor, Ithaca hasn’t deceived you.
So wise you have become, of such experience,
that already you’ll have understood what these Ithacas mean.

Constantine Kavafis


4 thoughts on “If I never go to sleep, could tomorrow never come ?

  1. I love your Kavafis quote. Cancer and its treatments certainly are a journey. Doubled good vibes and energy going your way today especially. I’m guessing you’ve finished your first chemo treatment now. Wishing you good rest tonight.


    • That is one of my favourite poems ! I finished but I stayed at the hospital for so long cause they couldn’t find a good vein… But it’s ok they did it indeed ! at least I started and that’s good πŸ’ͺπŸ’ͺπŸ’ͺ thank you deeply for energy and the sleep wishes 😊 xxx


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