May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground

So here we are …. the night before number two.

I went away for the weekend. It was wired, Well overall it was beautiful and fun as a vacation is supposed to be, but it was so hard for me to stay in the mood, I was happy and sad and angry and I wanted to cry, to laugh, to dance, to walk and then again I wanted to eat and read and run and just look at the sun.

But I like to think
I can cheat it all
To make up for the times, I’ve been cheated on
And it’s nice to know
When I was left for dead
I was found and now I don’t roam these streets
I am not the ghost you want of me
If you’re lost and alone or you’re sinking like a stone,
Carry on
May your past be the sound of your feet upon the ground and
Carry on

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Beauty will save the world

I am in Sicily – Taormina – for a short-long-weekend with family … It’s about one hour flight from my city ( I live in north italy ) and the weather is just amazing … consider that right now in my town there are 10 degrees less and no evidence of sun !

I was supposed to go on vacation from the 29th till the 5th of january, but then my next chemo was postponed from the 24th to the 29th ( not for their christmas spirit of course, but because they were overcrowded ! ) anyway I made the best out of it and went away this weekend and I also have plans for next week… I feel ( and I am ) really lucky !

Here some pictures of this amazing land !

This is what I call a ” happy bubble ” : a moment where you can forget everything and just be amazed by the beauty of the world … of course I do feel more tired that usual and few hair are starting to fall out, even though the cold cap thing is working ’cause they are really really few, but that would not have been better if I stayed at home !

PS. will update with amazing Sicilian food as soon as I will order pasta and cannoli !

Me with my Mom

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Amazing pic nic on the beach

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Jelly Fish

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Panorama

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So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.

We live in a world made of opposites.

From Parmenides, an ancient greek philosopher, who tried to divide the world into couples of opposite elements to the Taoists with their beautiful theory about the yin and the yang, going through many other theories that I surely ignore…

To describe myself I use to say that I am a walking oxymoron, so this theory applies to me as well…

Lately I have been thinking a lot about those contrasts in my own life, and in the reality that surrounds me… so here I go with a little list ( I absolutely love lists )

I hated every single second in which a man (a complete stranger of course ) opened a little my chest to put a piece of metal in it. At the same time I am so very gratefulΒ for the chance to have a piece of metal inserted in my chest so I won’t have to go through huge pain again, while a nurse desperately searching for a decent vein in my arm or hand.

– I am so incredibly grateful for the chance to cure myself, and to have these thousand (that’s what they seems to me) cycles of chemo and to wake up in the morning thinking that in a year this will be history (then I start to think about future and bla bla, but that’s a whole different story!) . At the same time … it sucks. and there’s not really another way of putting this down.

I honestly don’t care that I had to cut my hair short, and I really don’t care about scars, fake breasts, and bla bla bla… at the same time I miss my hair. I miss the delusion they gave me, that feeling of being young and healthy. the way I used to trust my own body.

– I live in a world where it is it what it is and it’s ok, but at the same time sometimes it is not ok at all

– I live in a world where I hear my boyfriend saying in his sleeps that we will fix everything and I will be fine, and my heart just broke a little, but at the same time … thanks god.

Last, and this is one of my sweetest (well… bittersweet, but still… ) memories…

Right after my mastectomy in june 2013 I was sitting in my parents’ garden during one of those super long days in which I was waiting for the results of the histological exam, and there was this incredible smell, all the flowers blossomed, and overall around me there was the smell of the magnolia, and I couldn’t help but think, and feel, how weird it was that I was living in a world where there was cancer, actually a world where I just had cancer, which is very, very different, butΒ in the same world there was also room for the magnolia, and its incredible smell ….

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Champagne Supernova

This week was really intense, I felt goodΒ since Tuesday and had been a hurricane since then…

This was my main problem also last year when I started the tamoxifen… I felt so tired all the time but apparently I am not mature enough to accept my limits, I just keep doing a million things until I am completely knocked out ! I didn’t change much since then…Β 

I stopped buying christmas presents a couple of years ago and instead I bake cookiesΒ for my friends, which is a little bit more stressing, but at the same time I enjoy the cooking part and is a nice gesture of love! So I spent my friday baking cookies and buying christmas decoration for the christmas party I hosted with my boyfriend at our place….

Since the chemo I started to eat only natural organic foods,almost no meat, mostly fruit, lots of fresh juices, veggies, soups Β and fish (I am a former vegetarian so I also like to eat that wayΒ ) I need to take care of myself in this moment, try to exercise and eat properly, maybe in this way Β I can go through the treatments with less side effects.Β … Β so now I feel Β guilty for having had too many drinks and for eating maaaaaaany unhealthy foods during these days Β but since my next chemo will be on the 29 I guess this week-end included my celebrations for the new year as well ! And by the way… I had so much fun …totally worth it !Β 

Also… tomorrow I will have a small surgery for the port which is a little button put under skin near the clavicle and is used to access the vein for the chemo, I am not exactly thrilled to have another plastic piece put in my body but I also realize that it will really be useful, temporary and bla bla bla….

” Friends are therapists you can drink with “

 

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Question is

Does having a cat seated on your stomach help with post-chemo nausea? actually not, but he’s not ready to accept it ! ( the hot pillow actually helps though … )

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Anyway is almost Christmas time and I really don’t care about chemo or other stuff, we are organizing a party with our friends for next saturday and is gonna be amazing and fun ! ( Actually mostly I am seated on the couch making phone calls to have everything delivered at our place for fhe party ! )

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One Down

… Fifteen to go !

Sooooo what about my first chemo experience ??

I wasn’t completely lucky because I was suggested to insert a Picc ( peripherally inserted central cathether ) which is basically a little thing that goes up your arm into your main vein, they tried twice but my veins are appereantly really fragile and didn’t work out, Then it took four other tries to finally get a regular catheter on spot … which wasn’t exactly pleasent and took forever, buuuut on the bright side the nurses were really nice ( there was also a Girl born on my same day same month same year ) and the cold cap was absolutely tolerable, I have to say I didn’t even suffer too much from that, my body was hot, only my head extremly cold… but hey, I used to live in Moscow so I know a thing or two about cold !

I already feel a bad headache and nausea but
let’s see how it goes in the next days …

Anyway I am really relieved, one is gone, I started and “siccome siamo in ballo balliamo” which literaly translate to ” since we are already dancing let’s keep dancing ” but wordreference told me that it translates to ” in for a penny, in for a pound ” …

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