I guess we’ll just start again

I feel like now that my hair are gone anything is possible.

I do not feel anymore the Holy Hand of God, warm and comforting over my shoulders.

I have been wondering for a few days now, What is the point ?

I mean what if I do all the months of chemos, radiotherapy,and years of Β hormonal therapy and then in two, three, five, ten years it comes back and I am again where I am now? (probably worse) ? What is the point ?

I am an extremely optimist and positive person, I have an arrow tattoo on my right arm to symbolize how hardships are given to us only to prepare us for something better. I don’t know if I will ever go back to be that naive again in my life.

But we all have a pending sword on our heads, and I never really had the Holy Hand of God on my shoulders, I just assumed.

So, after a few days spent asking myself what is the point, it occurred to me that the point is me.

I used to be carried on by my beliefs in karma, in energy, in positivity, in “you are what you think” “you attract what you are” and all that stuff.

I can not rely on that philosophy to carry me through this right now, but I can rely on myself.

So I might not go through all the therapies thinking that good things will eventually happen to good people (because, shit… I already am a really good person!) but I can do it thinking about all the goals I still have to accomplish… therefore I am not doing this keeping smiling because the universe will eventually reward me.

Maybe my boyfriend is right, the universe sucks, the universe sometimes really messes it up.

But I can rely on myself. and that looks even better to me…

so now what ?

I guess we’ll just start again.

 

 
V

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3 thoughts on “I guess we’ll just start again

  1. I understand your feelings. Not that I’ve been there, but I understand and think I’d be feeling the same way. And I’m sending good vibes. My belief is that if we could see the whole, big, gigantic picture . . . this all, every bit of it, makes sense.

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    • I definitely hope so 😊 I just had my first pessimistic week in like 10 years, I didn’t even remember you can feel that way… but yes, I hope it all will makes sense eventually !

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  2. It’s no wonder you’ve felt pessimistic. That’s just being human. I wish you the best for your treatments. The least side effects possible, energy to get out and be active, and lots of loving support from family and friends.

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