I feel like now that my hair are gone anything is possible.
I do not feel anymore the Holy Hand of God, warm and comforting over my shoulders.
I have been wondering for a few days now, What is the point ?
I mean what if I do all the months of chemos, radiotherapy,and years of hormonal therapy and then in two, three, five, ten years it comes back and I am again where I am now? (probably worse) ? What is the point ?
I am an extremely optimist and positive person, I have an arrow tattoo on my right arm to symbolize how hardships are given to us only to prepare us for something better. I don’t know if I will ever go back to be that naive again in my life.
But we all have a pending sword on our heads, and I never really had the Holy Hand of God on my shoulders, I just assumed.
So, after a few days spent asking myself what is the point, it occurred to me that the point is me.
I used to be carried on by my beliefs in karma, in energy, in positivity, in “you are what you think” “you attract what you are” and all that stuff.
I can not rely on that philosophy to carry me through this right now, but I can rely on myself.
So I might not go through all the therapies thinking that good things will eventually happen to good people (because, shit… I already am a really good person!) but I can do it thinking about all the goals I still have to accomplish… therefore I am not doing this keeping smiling because the universe will eventually reward me.
Maybe my boyfriend is right, the universe sucks, the universe sometimes really messes it up.
But I can rely on myself. and that looks even better to me…
so now what ?
I guess we’ll just start again.