I guess we’ll just start again

I feel like now that my hair are gone anything is possible.

I do not feel anymore the Holy Hand of God, warm and comforting over my shoulders.

I have been wondering for a few days now, What is the point ?

I mean what if I do all the months of chemos, radiotherapy,and years of  hormonal therapy and then in two, three, five, ten years it comes back and I am again where I am now? (probably worse) ? What is the point ?

I am an extremely optimist and positive person, I have an arrow tattoo on my right arm to symbolize how hardships are given to us only to prepare us for something better. I don’t know if I will ever go back to be that naive again in my life.

But we all have a pending sword on our heads, and I never really had the Holy Hand of God on my shoulders, I just assumed.

So, after a few days spent asking myself what is the point, it occurred to me that the point is me.

I used to be carried on by my beliefs in karma, in energy, in positivity, in “you are what you think” “you attract what you are” and all that stuff.

I can not rely on that philosophy to carry me through this right now, but I can rely on myself.

So I might not go through all the therapies thinking that good things will eventually happen to good people (because, shit… I already am a really good person!) but I can do it thinking about all the goals I still have to accomplish… therefore I am not doing this keeping smiling because the universe will eventually reward me.

Maybe my boyfriend is right, the universe sucks, the universe sometimes really messes it up.

But I can rely on myself. and that looks even better to me…

so now what ?

I guess we’ll just start again.

 

 
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Keep calm and… The show must go on

A woman who cuts her hair is about to change her life

Might she want it or not, I would add.

Anyway, I will have my first chemo on Wednesday and I will try the cold-cap thing in order to save some of my hair. Still the nurse advised me to cut the hair short and to dye them of my own color so I can stop using products on it- there are a number of things you can not do while using the cold caps to help it be more effective. Anyway I have so many hair that should the cap allow me to keep half of it  I would still look pretty normal !

For all those (healthy people) who wonder…Of course my number one priority is to stay tumor-free -as I am now- for the rest of my life and never ever ever have this tumor to come back and metastasize. But unfortunately I cannot do anything about it, only do the treatments knowing that they are good for me, pray and try not to think about the possibility of it coming back in one,two,ten years… But I can do something about my hair and I will definitely do it

so here is how I was

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And this is how I am now

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“This is  how it works,

you are young until you are not 

you love until you don’t 

you try until you can’t

you laugh until you cry

you cry until you laugh 

and everyone must breathe until their dying breath

Regina Spektor  

Home

So I am finally home. I went straight from the airport to the hospital …

First Chemo on third december ( 1.6 months after my first surgery ) second one the 24th of december.

There’s not much to say except this was my welcome-back home sign

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There is no Place like Home

I am at the airport about to go back home, these days were nice… I had some very beautiful moments and very hard ones.

I had eggs in every possible style and shape

I shopped at the union square xmas market while sipping hot apple cider and all my friends are getting apple-shaped ornaments for their trees this year –

I had too many margarita and many beautiful talks with my friends

I got a beautiful tattoo

I couldn’t wait after Thanksgiving to go back home beacause I need to go to the doctor and have my armpit medicated after the surgery (actully they have to drain the fluids but no one need these details I guess 🙈 ) it’s a pity cause I think in hard moments it really helps to seat down and count your blessings, they might be few or not even closely balance out your hardships but there must be some, somewhere.

I feel blessed that I am going home actually. I used to travel so much when I was younger, I never missed my country, not even my home, I never missed my friends, I never missed anyone… I was such a different person back then.

Now I can’t wait to be home seated on the couch waiting for my boyfriend to arrive while sipping red wine, tv on, under a blanket, with my cats sleeping on my legs.

Maybe I’m getting old, maybe when you are broken you just want your home and all the people that love you around, but for sure I also didn’t have a lot to go back to at that time…

“she knew she loved him when home went from being a place to being a person”

Crazy Cells, Crazy Life

So I found myself walking in the streets of new york at 6.AM – in my PJs- trying desperately to call a doctor that e-mailed me asking to call at 12.00 PM ( which is exactly 6 AM in NY ) so I did it…

of course no one answered as he was very busy and I spoke with yet another unpolite secretary ( I am getting so mean with unpolite doctors, nurses and everyone involved in the tiring burocracy of hospitals …. I don’t need someone to hold my hand, but I definetely don’t need someone to scold me because I called the wrong number either ! )

anyway I ended up with a cup of coffe at central park…

Life really is a beautiful struggle …

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PS. to anyone wondering what Love is I think that my boyfriend searching the whole internet ( after a full long day at work ) to understand what a cold cap is and how it works and how to get it, well… I think that might be an answer. I am so thankful and so deeply sorry at the same time !

Cold caps

What’s up with cold caps to prevent hair loss during chemo? is that all bullshit ? I don’t mind spending the money or going through pain ( I mean… I do, but I don’t… ) … but I’d love to hear from someone with a first hand experience. I looked it up on the internet but could’t really get a grasp of it. Anyone out there ?

When I was a child and my nonna – grandma- brushed my hair she used to say “ chi bella vuol apparire un po’ di male deve soffrire” which translate to ” In order to look beautiful you have to go through some pain”. Not that keeping my hair on my head is a pure matter of beauty actually, but it really has a different meaning now… I wish she was still here now for a huge hug and some hot chocolate.

PS. consultation in Boston was really helpful, love america more then ever right now. and women make much betters doctors… now on my way back to NY

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New York day two and three: the emotional roller-coaster

Yesterday was actually a very good day.

I woke up and went to the east village for a glorious brunch ( ok I will stop saying how much I love breakfasts and brunch… but hey, Italy is a great country but all we get in the morning is an espresso and a small croissant!) after brunch I shopped for hats in a very cute store I knew nearby, with a lot of different styles, vintage pieces, all made by this local designer… it took me a lot of courage to actually tell her that I needed a few hats because I will soon need to cover my head. I am happy I made it because  she didn’t say anything about it the whole time,but when I asked her: ” can you picture me with this hat, red lipstick and high heels?” she simply replied ” yes! sexy “and she really centered the point:  will I feel that way again anytime soon ?

In the afternoon I went near union square for a tattoo.

When I was twenty-five I lived in new york for a little over then a year. In that period I basically turned into a different person. I became a yoga addicted and along with that a much more positive person, nicer to myself and towards the others.  For that reason when came the moment to go back to my country I decided to get a tattoo, to celebrate that moment of my life and also as a promise to keep being positive even in tough circumstances (it was a good idea after all… ) So I went for a sign of joy and love for life: the hummingbird.  Since It was my first tattoo I asked for something really small… long story short: yesterday I had it covered up with another hummingbird, just more beautiful!                                                                                        I love it! I took some pain killers before and it didn’t hurt much – well, maybe it’s because after the two surgeries my tolerance for pain really changed but at the same time I am now more soft and I took the painkillers: no one will ever convince me to endure pain anymore if is not absolutely necessary !

In the evening I planned  to meet up with a friend for a drink and then go right back home because the next day ,today, I had to wake up early to go to Boston (where I currently am, cause I managed to have an appointment tomorrow morning with a super doctor in order to have a second opinion on therapies and follows ups, just in case!) …like it often happens I ended up coming back at 3,30 AM pretty much wasted. I really had a blast ! I completely forgot about cancer, and therapies, and my hair and whatever… I just felt like the old me, not even the girl I was two months ago ( when I didn’t imagine that a recurrence was just around the corner) but the really really old me, 25 with a very light heart a really few thoughts on mind ( my only thoughts back then were for a new yorker that broke my heart, and a internship that I didn’t find right for me- but since I was heart-broken I didn’t even care I used to say that I was in such a pain but that “love pain” is the only pain you want to try in your life – I was right! and I now know that those are the right concerns for that age!) … but the thing is I woke up today  and of course I was totally hangover ( I am young, but I am not a baby anymore!!) and the first thought I had  was that probably the next time I am gonna feel this bad is gonna be because of chemo… I didn’t really have a good today. I guess the higher you climb the harder you fall… I did forget everything for a while but of course everything is still there. and I am still waiting to know when to begin the treatments. so I am in this huge bubble made of fluffies french toasts and pomegranate margaritas and I am just waiting for an e-mail to crush it all. I am trying to enjoy all of this as much as I can though, because we have to save good energies for difficult times….

Cherry on top my parents are both here with me and today my father rented a car and drove all the way to Boston- with me completely hangovered on the back seat listening to music at super high volume with my head-phones on  and mostly sleeping, I really felt like I was a teenager again 😀 !

Buonanotte !

If you are depressed you are living in the past
If you are anxious you are living in the future
if you are at peace you are living in the present